Diary of a Queen

***warning: lots of randomness***

I feel the need to check in since I rally haven’t said much lately. Mostly because all has been well in the Queendom. I’ve become the boy’s personal assistant the past few weeks, his social calendar is fuller than mine right about now! LOL

I’m annoyed that my ankle is not getting better as fast as I’d like it to. The therapist has basically told me that my injury is as un-textbook as it gets and they aren’t sure what the best course of action is. They can’t decide at this point if its just ligament or possibly nerve damage because of the nature of what, where and how it hurts. In the mean time, twin’s party this past Saturday made me come to grips with the fact that I’m going to have to make the best of this flat shoe thing. I was in the mall last week and I saw some styles of both clothes and shoes that I can make work with me so I’m off this weekend to go work on putting together my ‘flat shoe style’. Stay tuned, I may post a pic…lol

Work is trying to put me through some hoops as of the past week. Looks like they are trying to back me into a corner regarding this travel thing. Because of the switch up back in June/July its becoming a big todo about me not traveling now that I’m in consulting, which is not where I was initially hired. To not draw out the long, elaborate story of the past few days, I’ll just say that I have a few sit downs coming up over the next few days that will be defining moments. Once the ground settles, I’ll post the outcome.

I had a bomb dropped on my by a family member a few days ago that I’m still reeling from. I can’t divulge it just yet because not everyone in the family has been informed and some of the fam does drivebys here. But I wasn’t prepared at all, just didn’t see it coming. But as the more understanding and accepting one in the fam, everyone else’s reaction to the news is going to be ‘interesting’ to say the least.

Speaking of fam, looks like I’ll be in the war zone I call home for both the holidays this year. My grandmother has fallen ill so a lot of my fam will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas is G-Mommy’s and the boy’s holiday together so I have to get him back up home for that. Pray for me…lol

I think that’s all… at least at 4:35pm on Friday anyway. That is subject to change minute by minute…lol

I’ve been eating room service every night this week. Yes, I am in NY again. I’m working on that small problem. I was hired with an agreement of limited travel. Two weeks was pushing it, but the way things are progressing (or not progressing) here onsite, this work will continue another two weeks and even that may not accomplish the task at hand. So yours truly more than likely will not be in NY next week. I digress…

The room service selection is not very extensive so last night I settled on a steak that looked pretty tempting on the menu. There was a recommended wine selection so I thought “Ehhh, why not?” and I ordered the wine too. I’ve never been much of a wine drinker and especially red, but I know red goes very well with steak and I was feeling daring. The meal arrived and I was pleased with the appearance of everything. Steak, potatoes, asparagus (yes, I like asparagus); and what is that next to the steak? A stuffed tomato with cheese melted on top. Hmm, ok, I’ll try it.

I taste everything and it’s all great. I taste the wine. It’s very, very bitter; dry I believe you would call it. But not bad. I mix the stead potatoes, all good. I eat the steak with the wine, still good. I try the tomato…with the steak. Yes, you read that correct; I ate the tomato and the steak at the same time. I.do.not.mix.my.food. I just don’t. I don’t freak out anymore when it’s all on the same plate, but I keep it as separated as possible. So mixing something as abstract as tomatoes and steaks, that’s not me. But I did. And I liked it. If I wasn’t “enjoying” the wine so much (wine gives me an immediate buzz), I might have jumped up and down for joy. Instead I just chilled with my buzz and finished my meal (which was interrupted, but that’s another story for another day).

I mixed my food ya’ll! Yea!!!

I’ve not healed as I’d hoped I would from the spill I took last month. The first few days were bad but I ‘took it like a man’ and hobbled along on my ankle. After a week it was still uncomfortable, but manageable. Three weeks later, it was still only at manageable and I realized this was a bigger problem than I initially thought. The fact that I couldn’t get along without an Ace bandage and was still sleeping with it elevated to keep it level was a clear indication that it was not getting better. So I made the decision to see a doctor last Thursday.

The doctor’s prognosis was not bad, but not good either. It’s been declared as a sprain, however, there’s a concern that it may possibly be a hairline fracture that’s not showing on the x-rays. And so I’ve been sent to physical therapy to set in motion the necessary steps in the event an MRI is needed to further evaluate the problem. This alone worried me. The thought of a fracture didn’t scare me. The feeling that I can’t wear my heels for an extended period of time however did.

I wear heels. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I wear heels to bowling, knowing I’m going to take them off. I wear heels to the mall. I wear heels to work and party and chill. Ok, not to Walmart or the park, I’m not that bad. But you get my drift. I.Wear.Heels.

So the thought of not being able to wear them shook me a little bit. But I figured I’d just pick up a few basic pairs of lower heeled shoes and be good to go. Not completely flat, so I can still rock a heel.

I went to the physical therapist yesterday. She poked and pushed and pulled and apologized the entire time. She determined that I’ve done some ligament damage. I heard the words ‘walking boot’ and I almost lost my breath. I asked if the walking boot was an absolute requirement. If she said it was, then I’d wear it. I don’t want to do any more damage to my foot in my vanity. She said had I come in immediately after the fall, they certainly would have put me in one to immobilize my foot and ankle. At this stage in the game she didn’t see what difference the boot would have versus a lace up ankle brace. The brace will keep my ankle immobilized yet still functional. She doesn’t forsee that I’ll need surgery, which would be the only reason to put me in the walking boot now. So I was thankful for that. I asked if I would have to stay out of all heels completely. She didn’t say zero heels, but she didn’t recommend them either. She said the arch in the heel will slow down the healing process so I need to limit the amount of time I spend in heels or walking altogether. No malls, no parks, no extended amount of time on my feet. All my mind heard was ‘no heels’.

I’m trying to grasp the thought of life without heels. I’ve become comfortable enough in every day clothes and sneakers. I picked up a couple pair of these type shoes so I’m good as long as I have on jeans for a casual setting.

How will I dress for work though? Or going out? I can’t do loafers. Loafers?
I am not a loafer kinda girl.

I’ve thought about ballet type shoes, but these really aren’t me either.
I don’t know how to wear these shoes. I don’t know how to walk in these shoes. Hell, I fell in flat shoes. I need heels to live.

These next few months are going to be a serious challenge for me. I can’t say I am going to stay out of heels completely. I can not commit to that. I am going to wear them as infrequently as possible. But you can’t take me out of heels. That’s like taking water from plants, like taking sugar away from Kool Aid…dammit that’s like taking Smoochie cookies from Tiff and Shelly. You just can’t have one without the other. I may be knocked out of my heels for a little while, but we shall be reunited!

I’ve always said being my friend is a challenge. I’m one of those people that always has something going on. If I thought I was a bad person, I’d think I had bad karma. Then again, do bad people realize they are bad people?

Anyway, just to add one more thing to the list of things that ‘only happen to me’, my car got hit last night. I know, I know, plenty of people’s cars get hit but with me, it’s always the story behind the story. My car was hit while parked in front of my house. It was parked in front of the house because a pipe right in front of my house burst last week, causing my driveway to collapse. Unable to park in my driveway, I’ve been parking on the street. A small part of me was worried that someone might hit it, but at the same time, a car can get hit anywhere, right? So I heard the accident last night, but when I looked outside, the bright orange cone that was behind my car was still in the position it had been so I figured I was mistaken. My neighbor knocking on my door a few minutes later confirmed that I was wrong. As soon as I heard the knock, I knew what why they were knocking. Whoever hit me had to have been driving on the wrong side of the street because they hit the front driver’s side; crushing my headlights, battery and tearing off that side of the bumper. A beautiful sight it was not. I couldn’t even get upset. What would have been the point? I’d be mad and upset and the car would still be messed up and I still wouldn’t know who hit me. The officer that came to take the report was yery friendly; so friendly that he spent a half hour chit chatting with me. Ya’ll know I don’t do chit chat. I wanted to have a drink to calm my nerves, but instead I went to bed after parking my car in my neighbor’s year.

I called my insurance company this morning. The experience was much better this time than the last accident I was involved in a few months ago. And I made sure to tell each person I spoke with. I don’t believe in only telling people about bad customer service experiences, but the very good ones as well. They got me set up in a rental car and with an auto body shop. I picked up the car and came home to meet the tow truck to give them the keys to my car. I stepped in the house for a few minutes to take care of a few things and headed right back out to head to the auto body shop to sigh then necessary paperwork. I had just enough time to run out and get back in time for an 11:00 call I should’ve been on. Instead, I fell in my driveway. Not stumbled, fell; as in torn jeans (my favorite jeans!), badly scraped left knee and rolled right ankle. Nope, couldn’t mess up one leg to have one good and one bad leg, I get to have two half legs. It never crossed my mind to wonder if anyone had seen me; I was too annoyed that I fell.

Even taking care of my wounds wasn’t easy. I couldn’t find the tape to bandage my knee, I half way wrapped my ankle. And making my way up and down the stairs to get everything I needed together was extremely uncomfortable. I finally pull myself together and get out the house (by this point, there was no way I was going to make this 11:0 call), driving to the auto body shop was just damn painful. I pride myself in being able to deal with pain; hell I just got a new tattoo and I’d rather sit through an hour of that than how driving felt. By the time I got a text from a close friend, I just fell apart out of frustration.

Finally I’m home, propped up on my couch with laptop in lap and ice pack on my ankle. It hurts, my knee hurts, and now my shoulder is starting to hurt. I didn’t realize that when I fell, I broke the fall on my hand as well. I didn’t injure it because I had my cd wallet in it. The boy, poor thing with his sensitive self, is not going to be happy when he finds that his mommy is hurt. So I’ll be internalizing a lot until I get him settled into bed.

Like I said, things happen to me in ways that don’t happen to most other people. I thank God everyday for the friends I have that support me; even when I don’t want them to, I allow them look out for me because they love me. I love them for laughing with me at my crazy life because all we can do it laugh at it. No point in crying.

I’ve always loved that expression “I don’t have to do anything except stay black and die!” It’s a real, grimy, I don’t give a fuk statement. And it’s true. You don’t have to do anything except be whoever you are and eventually die. What else is really guaranteed in life right?

True as it is, it’s not the way you go through life. Yes, there are plenty of things that you don’t have to do. There are always options. However, there are some things that you do have to do. At least if you care about anyone you do. You have obligations to the people you care about. You have an obligation to be honest and straightforward. Why? Simple…because you care about them and their feelings, which sometime requires a sacrifice on your own part. That is, if you do actually care. Because lets be honest: I’m not obligated to tell some random chick in the club that her outfit went out of style fifteen years ago. I don’t know that chick and honestly, I’m getting a hell of a laugh out of her. Her friends, they were obligated to tell her that outfit she has on is dead wrong. But I am obligated to tell the man that I care about that he no longer makes me happy. Why? Because I care about that person as much as I care about myself and their happiness is as important as my own. And so I owe him the respect of fulfilling my obligation to him.

I’ll never understand why more people don’t see life that way. Everyone has their selfish moments; I am the first to admit that I have my own. But having selfish moments and being a selfish person is by far not the same thing. Obligations are an unavoidable part of life. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers, you are obligated to do right by them as they are to you. Sure you don’t have to do anything except stay black and die, but in the long run, how far is that going to get you in life?

My brain is everywhere right now. I could talk about everything on it, but its all so random. And ok in all honesty, I don’t want to. But it not just that I have a lot on my mind, it more the way its everywhere right now. It’s scattered. It’s cluttered. And to no surprise, so is my home. The two rooms I occupy the most (my living room and bedroom) are messy right now. I’ve been working from home more often than not for the past two weeks or so (I am so blessed!) and I didn’t know how easy it is to make a mess when you are doing that. My coffee table has become my desk, so it’s covered. I’m home so I can do laundry during the day. It gets washed. It doesn’t get folded, so it’s starting to accumulate (again). I drop off he boy at school and come back home, and drop my shoes in the living room. They don’t always make it upstairs. So the house isn’t dirty but it is messy and cluttered. And being in a cluttered environment is cluttering my brain. I can’t sort my thoughts well. And since the thoughts don’t stop, they all mesh and meld together and mixing that with the normally emotional creature I am…well that’s not the best combination. After staying that way for too long my brain will smother itself. Yet, working from home, I never really turn off. I just take breaks. Trying to master a new craft, I’m always thinking about work so I’ll turn on the laptop when I should be doing something else. Like cleaning. I want to blog, I have a few things on my mind. I need to clean.

Tonight. I’ll straighten up tonight. Or maybe in the morning. Ok soon, I’ll do it soon. For real.

Back then, I was in love love love with D-Nice. I was way too young to even be thinking about guys, but oohh weee, I had my heart set on some D-Nice. Come on, everyone is entitled to a schoolgirl crush or two.

Now that I’m grown, I’m really diggin’ him as a dj. I keep missing him at SolFusion and it breaks my heart everytime. He and DJ Jazzy Jeff make my heart pound when they spin. But dammit, now I’m in love all over again. Making my way through the blogs nominated for this years blackweblog awards, I found The D-Nice Journal. Not only is he an awesome dj, but his photography absolutely blew me away. I was totally caught off guard. I’m so glad to see that one of hip hop’s finest has so much to offer, beyond the world of hip hop.

And so I must shamelessly plug: Go vote vote vote for Tiffany B. Brown and vote The D-Nice Journal. Hey had to plug my girl, if I’m gonna plug a stranger, even if my schoolgirl crush on the stranger is renewed…lol

So many people, so many emotions. So many of you touch me in so many ways.
If you think I’m talking about you, I might just be. You need to know, and so I’m reaching out you.

You are invaluable.
You should stop catering to people so much.
You amaze me.
You deserve to be happy.
You are the reason I wake up every morning.
You could know more if you just asked.
You are seriously spoiled.
You have my utmost respect.
You make me smile.
You are missing out on blessings you created.
You missed out.
You are missed.
You are not thinking clearly.
You need to admit there is a problem.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
You are beautiful.
You aren’t greedy.
You have caused some deep rooted scars.
You will see in time that things are exactly as they seem.
You do your best, and you do it very well.
You are worthless.
You have come so far.
You enlighten me.

Life throws us problems daily; some larger than others. How you deal with those problems shapes and molds who you are. I don’t believe there is a formula to handling problems that is guaranteed to make them easy. Each issue is different; each individual is unique. What I do think though is that you need to evaluate each situation you face and devise a course of action for it.

Venting and complaining are one in the same. Or should I say venting becomes complaining when you don’t put a plan of action into place. I think it’s because of that I have a hard time venting because I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. That’s my own personal struggle though. A plan of action is mandatory if you want to see the issue change. It’s really that simple. Talking isn’t going to fix anything. What are you going to do about it? And you have to assess: what do I have control to fix and what is out of my control? If you can, then devise a plan and act on it. A plan is no good without the follow through. If you can’t, let it go. You can’t control anyone else’s actions, only you own. And you can’t force your thoughts and/or opinions on someone expecting them to do what you think is best. Everyone is their own person and while you may be ready to take action, they may not be. Fear of losing something or someone can not be a factor in you plan. You have to be willing to let go of the source of conflict if you have to in order to come to a resolution.

I’ve been having this very conversation with a few people in my life, some more often than others. I recognize that you don’t truly grasp a concept until you are ready to. So I’m not one to talk them til I am blue in the face about it. If you ask me, I will tell you what I think. What you do with it is on you. And if we talk about it again, I won’t throw it in your face. Why? Because I wouldn’t want ‘I told you so’ thrown at me in the same situation. Doing the same things expecting different results clearly doesn’t work. But sometimes you don’t see that you are in that circle until you are ready to break it. Ehh, such is life; we all have to learn some kind of way.

I saw something today that really moved me. I’ve strayed away from attending church; and while my reasoning is valid, the bottom line is I haven’t been doing what I need to do to start attending again. I’d been feeling empty in the last church I’d spent almost a year at, and felt it was time to look elsewhere. But I wasn’t doing much to search for a new one to attend. Today, thanks to one of the ASB members, I attended New Mercies Christian Church in Lilburn. I felt very welcomed the moment I walked in and despite the church not having some the accommodations I expected based on their website; I later discovered the reason is because their new building is still being built.

The pastor took a different approach in the service today and the entire service was praise and worship. An uncommon and unconventional approach, but a very well received, very much appreciated fresh approach to incorporate different way of ministering into receiving the word. What I saw that moved me though was the youth in the church taking what they see in the world and applying it to the Lord. When I saw a group of five or six kids ‘Jockin’ (I have no idea if that’s how you spell it) to the music because that’s what they relate to, I nearly burst out into tears. Our kids are able to balance the two sides of life, they can see and be exposed to things and still know what is expected of them by their parent and church community and do what they know to be right.

I can’t say this is the church I will make my home; there are still some other’s I’d like to visit as well. But what I can say is that I would recommend to anyone who is looking for a church to attend to make a stop at New Mercies. They seem to have big things in mind for their family. And I say family because you really do feel like family in their midst.