Diary of a Queen

She so young, and so sweet. She’s quick to make a joke and always laughing at something or nothing at all. Bubbly, funny, insanely intelligent, and the cutest little thing you’d see. But that’s what she wants you to see. Because on the inside she’s crying, fading to black, faster than anyone could ever imagine. She shows you what she wants you to see. She wants everything about her to look perfect. But its not. It hasn’t been for a long time now; almost never. One little girl, one little soul has seen and lived through so much in so few years. How can one little girl be so strong for so long? How can she be expected to find her way out of all that the world has thrown on top of her? She’s been buried alive for longer than she ever remembers. No one has really tried to help her. No one has opened their eyes, or their arms, or their hearts to her. And she knows this. It’s no wonder she finally broke. She just snapped. No warning, no explanation. Just shut down. The signs were their all along. In her own way she’s tried to reach out for help. But the words never came forward, not in a way that anyone else interpreted as a cry for help. They heard her voice, but the never heard the message. They couldn’t miss the message though when she stopped talking. No one was listening anyway, right? At least that’s how she sees it. So she stops talking, but she keeps cutting. All the while she was smiling and laughing, she was cutting. It kept the real pain at bay. It keeps her in her own reality, keeps her in control of the little she has control over. Even now, now that they have locked her away to ‘help her’, she’s still in control. She’s not cutting, but she not talking either.

I see so much in her. I saw a beautiful spirit in her from the moment I met her. I knew she was something special; I just didn’t know how much. I saw a lot of myself in her before I knew what I know now, and now that I know, I see even more of me. She reached out to me just a tiny bit not so long ago, and I grabbed her hand, not knowing at some point in the near future I would need to grab so much more than just her hand. She needed me to grab onto her, onto all of her to maybe, hopefully keep her afloat just one more day. Somehow, someway I reached her. Day by day, she told me a tiny bit and I told her a little bit. For some reason that is above my understanding she trusts me, she listens to me, and she knows I am listening to her. She won’t talk to me now; she still won’t talk to anyone at all. But she communicates with me and only me. We communicate all day, morning through night and she’s shared so much with me. She’s so torn; she wants to be better, but she doesn’t want to hurt anymore. And I can only pray I can help her find a middle ground because I’m the only one she trusts. There’s no way I could leave her. Not now and not like this. I don’t know when or how or what, but I no that she needs someone, if only one single person to stick by her side. No one else is listening to her, but I am. I just pray the day doesn’t come where there is nothing for me to listen to.

Single parents. I have more respect for them than I can ever express. I’m biased because I am one, but it lends to my respect for them. I always say that single parents make things happen. And people often ask of majority of single parents “How do you do it?”, usually in reference to being successful in their careers and/or taking classes to earn a degree, and raising fabulous kids and keeping them active with sports and activities. I don’t know what most people say in response to that question but my answer is ususally “I just do. I don’t have a choice so I make it happen.” I’m blessed with friends who are family, who are my support system when I need, but if you ask most of them, they’d probably say I don’t ask of them as much as they’d give to me. I don’t ask unless I can’t do it myself. I’ve been doing for myself, practically by myself since age 12. So it’s natural for me to do for myself.

After today, I take my hat off to these kids. I may have done a lot at an early age, but these kids have had their childhoods ripped from them and what they do, to some people, is unimagainable. This show brought me to tears and I pray for strenght and courage for these kids and the countless kids like them who have to be adults. We adults can’t go another day saying we can’t do this and that. If these kids can accomplish what some adults don’t do, we damn sure can.

Clemson College Student Raising Brother

Eight Year Old Sister Cares for Twin Siblings

Eldest of Six Raises Five Siblings After Parents Are Murdered

I think I’m OD’ed on ‘people time’. The trip up to NY a few weeks ago for work started it. Coming back home and dealing with micromanaging and endless meetings hasn’t helped. I’ve seen various people over the weekend and the more time I spent around them, the more I wanted to be by myself. It’s about that time that I retreat for a little bit. Unfortunately, with football still going strong for another three weeks (hopefully only three unless we make it to the playoffs), retreating isn’t really in the cards right now. Hopefully I can get a day or two to myself if a certain someone keeps good on their word and gets another certain someone on a weekend sometime soon (trying to be nice here). That’ll at least tide me over a little bit. I think.

Life and circumstances change in ten years, however people do not. And seeing my former classmates confirmed that for me. I wouldn’t have expect to see any of them much different than they were in high school and I was not disappointed. I could try to describe how wonderful a time I had at my reunion, but words simply would not justify it. Once I get the slideshow with the pictures I think I’ll post a few.

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I go home every year in the summer, for one reason or another. This year, I’m going for my ten year high school reunion. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone, even the people that I had some beef with. It’s been ten years and it was high school, I could care less about that stuff. I was pretty quiet my freshman and sophomore years. I knew many people, but ran with very few. My junior and especially senior years, I came out of my shell a little more and socialized more. So I am anxious to see who comes.
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Truthfully, I didn’t expect to have a great Mother’s Day this year. I realized early in the week that I was missing my mom terribly and wished I had planned to go home for Mother’s Day just to be with her. Of course I sent a gift and a card, but it’s not at all the same. Being single didn’t really help the cause either. I’ve always felt that Mother’s Day is really the only day I wish to be spoiled just a little bit. Just to have someone do just a little something that’s just for me. But I knew that too wasn’t in the cards for this year. So I walked into the weekend prepared to be a little bummed.

Thankfully, I was wrong. The weekend Friday evening with a little the boy greeting me with a flower and a card he’d made for me at school for Mother’s Day. He was bursting at the seams to give it to me. It was so sweet, especially to see it in his own handwriting and the picture to go along with it. From there we took a trip to the mall. There were a few staples I needed in my wardrobe and I set out to treat myself to them. Let me take a minute right here to appreciate my baby boy who survived the excursion to the mall like a trooper. He didn’t complain too much, and even helped me to pick out a few things, which is very uncommon for him. He doesn’t like shopping with me much; I can’t blame him…lol Anyway, we grabbed some dinner and headed home and just chilled out for the evening. Saturday, we cleaned house, vegged around some and finally got dressed and joined civilization around 3 in the afternoon. Again the trooper, the boy sat at the nail salon while I treated myself to a pedicure and then we went to visit Twin and the matriarchs of her fam. After canceling our plans to go see RV, we hit up Blockbuster, grabbed some dinner and headed back home. Eight hours and three movies later, I retired to my room and dozed off for the night listing to music and just enjoying the stillness of the middle of the night. After being treated to an early morning “Happy Mother’s Day”, I slept in late Sunday morning. I admit I kinda wanted to go to church, but it really was nice to sleep in. The boy took me to lunch this afternoon at Applebee’s and then to see Akeelah and the Bee. He enjoyed being able to say that “he was taking me out” for Mother’s Day, and that in itself made my day that much special.

It was a simple Mother’s Day, but it was a good one for me. I expected to be down and depressed, but instead I found myself thankful for not only my baby boy, but for my family and my friends who all are special to me and made me feel special as well. I hope every other mother felt as loved and cherished as I did this mother’s day.

You know sometimes your friends do the silliest things to put a smile on your face. I don’t know how Columbus Day became HotPants Day…but I’m not about to debate it!

I declare that everyone must go out and purchase a pair of jeans that they look fabulous in. Happy Me Day to me dammit!

Love ya’ll!!!

We all know at least one person that always has something going on, some kinda drama, something always wrong with them. Their life is riddled with unforeseen, unavoidable issues. No matter what they do, how hard they try, they just cannot escape the inevitable occurance of “shit hitting the fan”. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don’t know one oo those people, allow me to introduce myself. My name is QueenT and I am a surviving walking disaster. At any given moment, I have at least two issues I am battling at a time…and that, in all honesty, is an understatement. Sometimes they are little flames, sometimes they are major fires, but there’s always a battle going on.

I think some peolpe are born into this lifestyle; kinda like sexuality. Some people are born gay; I was born a walking disaster. I don’t have much control over it. It’s one of those things you just learn to live with. After awhile, you really do get used to it. You learn how to cope; you become stronger, more resiliant. I guess that’s why I consider myself such a realist. Somethings just are and there’s nothing you can do but take them as they are and keep it moving, or stand still trying to figure it all out and get run over in the process. It’s hard having friends though. Having people you hang out with is easy, at least for me, being as “hus hush” as I am. But having real friends that you talk to and confide in is hard. You know they are your friends and love you and support you and would do anything for you. But the thing is: they are always doing something for you, because you always have shit going on. You get tired of having them in the position to “do something” for you. You get tired of complaining and crying and venting to them. You just get tired and try to wish and hope and pray it all away. But, nope, you can only wish it could be that easy. And sure enough, they end up doing something else for you again. Yeah, having friends is the part that’s harder than the issues themselves, because you suck others into your own personal black hole.

I’m not the only walking disaster; there are plenty other like me. I am just the one bold enough to share it with the world. To the friends of us walking disasters: “we love you immensly and hope you always know it” To those who only see us walking disasters from the outside looking in: don’t judge us, don’t pity us, and don’t think you know us because you can never. Just leave us in peace; we have enough shit to deal with.