Diary of a Queen

Good

• The boy telling me he loves me more than a PSP on the flight up to NY
• Seeing all my fam on my father side in one place, and at one time; there were family members there that I hadn’t seen in over 10 years; the photos and memories alone will sustain me for another 10 years
• Our flight was on time, which was good since it was Thanksgiving afternoon
• Going out drinking with my cousin that I usually avoid because she’s the black sheep of the fam and always into something, and one of my closest friends from high school on her birthday
• Being able to just chill not having to care or really worry about anything more than having a good time; especially when someone else was buying
• Hanging out with both my brothers and their girlfriends

Bad

• The small jet that I was unaware we were taking, not quite a propeller but certainly not what my turbulence tolerance was prepared for
• The fact that my aunt could only stay for 12 hours, I hadn’t seen her in forever and man I had no idea how cool she is
• Daddy Cuevo struck again; yes I lost a few hours…lol

Ugly

• The bright yellow Cobalt I had as a rental that attracted more attention than I really wanted or needed
• Getting drunk and trying to stab a dude in the neck with my rental car keys because he wouldn’t leave me and my cousin alone
• Both my brothers have more stable relationships than I do; they each have been in the same relationship for almost a year now
• My child snoring in my ear like a grown man

Single parents. I have more respect for them than I can ever express. I’m biased because I am one, but it lends to my respect for them. I always say that single parents make things happen. And people often ask of majority of single parents “How do you do it?”, usually in reference to being successful in their careers and/or taking classes to earn a degree, and raising fabulous kids and keeping them active with sports and activities. I don’t know what most people say in response to that question but my answer is ususally “I just do. I don’t have a choice so I make it happen.” I’m blessed with friends who are family, who are my support system when I need, but if you ask most of them, they’d probably say I don’t ask of them as much as they’d give to me. I don’t ask unless I can’t do it myself. I’ve been doing for myself, practically by myself since age 12. So it’s natural for me to do for myself.

After today, I take my hat off to these kids. I may have done a lot at an early age, but these kids have had their childhoods ripped from them and what they do, to some people, is unimagainable. This show brought me to tears and I pray for strenght and courage for these kids and the countless kids like them who have to be adults. We adults can’t go another day saying we can’t do this and that. If these kids can accomplish what some adults don’t do, we damn sure can.

Clemson College Student Raising Brother

Eight Year Old Sister Cares for Twin Siblings

Eldest of Six Raises Five Siblings After Parents Are Murdered

I think I’m OD’ed on ‘people time’. The trip up to NY a few weeks ago for work started it. Coming back home and dealing with micromanaging and endless meetings hasn’t helped. I’ve seen various people over the weekend and the more time I spent around them, the more I wanted to be by myself. It’s about that time that I retreat for a little bit. Unfortunately, with football still going strong for another three weeks (hopefully only three unless we make it to the playoffs), retreating isn’t really in the cards right now. Hopefully I can get a day or two to myself if a certain someone keeps good on their word and gets another certain someone on a weekend sometime soon (trying to be nice here). That’ll at least tide me over a little bit. I think.

It was unavoidable, so when I was informed that I’d have to fly to NY for work, I didn’t really trip out. Traveling is something I knew was a part of the business when I moved over to consulting. Up to this point, I’ve have it pretty comfortable so what can I complain about?

Explaining to the boy that I had to go away for a week however was an experience in itself. I’d never left him for as long as he can remember. The last time I left him was for my honeymoon and he was only 10 months old. He didn’t like the idea of me being gone at all. I have to admit I was little heartbroken at the thought myself. But I gave him advance notice to not catch him completely off guard and he was cool until about an hour before I was supposed to leave for the airport. We were at the park with my mom, who’d come down for his birthday that weekend, and UnkT and the kids. He came up to me out of nowhere and burst into tears. It took everything in me to keep myself together. It wasn’t that I didn’t expect it, but not right then. I thought that would have come as I was leaving to go to the airport. And of course his waterworks set off my moms. I swear the two of them crying together is never a good sight. He settled down after a few minutes and thankfully was distracted by McDonalds with UnkT’s crew.

I’m blessed to have friends who are family. They stepped in and made Mama got back to the airport safely and the boy was taken care of for the week while I was gone. It made being away a lot easier. My trip itself was extremely productive and a learning experience to say the least. In another lifetime without kids, I’d probably make myself more accessible as far as traveling to client sites just to be more in front of what’s really going on. In the meantime though…lol…I expect I’ll have to go back to that particular site for three weeks in December to assist with post production support. Before that, I may have to take another trip or two. The good thing is now that I have gotten the first one of of the way, it won’t be as hard and I know what to do differently. The boy got over on a few things and is suffering tremendously because of it, so I don’t think I’ll have to worry much about that again. As long as I don’t have to travel with four other co-workers again the next go round, I’ll be good to go too…lol

In the midst of a phone conversation, I told a close friend of mine that I loved him and wanted to see him happy. The boy, overhearing my end of the conversation, sat in the backseat and began to cry silently. I couldn’t imagine what he was cryiong for besides just being tired. When I asked him, he replied by asking me who it was that I told I loved them. Before I answered I asked him why, and he wanted to know if it was a guy or a girl. Curious, I asked him “what if it’s a girl? Is that ok?” And he said that it was. But if I was a guy, then he’d be upset. Inside I couldn’t help but laugh, but I respected his honesty. This back and forth led to a conversation about who he feels it is ok for his Mommy to love and who it isn’t. This list of who isn’t includes people who lie all the time and people I don’t like ( I really love his logic)

The boy then asked me a question that I really didn’t see coming. “Do you like my Daddy?” Oh.my.damn. How do I answer this? Do I lie to my six year old for him to later find out that Mommy can’t stand the thought of Daddy breathing? Does he already really know that and just wants/needs to hear Mommy say it? Do I respect my son for the intelligent little person he is and tell him the truth in a way that his six year old mind can grasp? Time seemed to stand still while I thought long and hard on this one. He deserved for Mommy to be honest with him without being hurtful, and I decided to give him that. I explained to him that Mommy and Daddy don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and because of that, I don’t like Daddy. I’m not sure what response I expected from him, but I don’t think crying was it. It wasn’t the ‘I fell and hurt myself’ kind of cry. No this was the ‘deep down in my little soul’ cry. I asked him why he was crying and he told me very plainly because I don’t like his Daddy. When I asked him why he felt it was so important that I like his Daddy, his response was “because he is family”. Sigh. How do you explain that his Daddy is family, but he certainly positively is my life was dependant on it, NOT my family. There has never been a harder moment then talking to my little boy, who for a moment in time was a little man, about how his Mommy and Daddy don’t have to like each other, but that they will always love him. I gave him the respect his little six year old self deserved and told him that I understand and respect his feelings. I told him that Mommy will always love him and do everything she has to do to take care of him, and because of that, I can’t always like Daddy. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love Daddy because eh loves you. (Talk about a SERIOUS internal struggle.) I asked him if he understood and I waited to be sure that he did. Thankfully I know that when he doesn’t understand he will admit it to me. He dried his tears and the rest of the ride was all smiles.

I know he hasn’t forgotten the conversation, and won’t for some time. It is one that I will never, ever be able to put aside. No parent should have to have the conversation I had with him. They shouldn’t have to explain a love that they should be able to see firsthand everyday. I’d like to think the entire concept is beyond the understanding of a six year old. However, my baby boy is my demonstration that it is not.

Truthfully, I didn’t expect to have a great Mother’s Day this year. I realized early in the week that I was missing my mom terribly and wished I had planned to go home for Mother’s Day just to be with her. Of course I sent a gift and a card, but it’s not at all the same. Being single didn’t really help the cause either. I’ve always felt that Mother’s Day is really the only day I wish to be spoiled just a little bit. Just to have someone do just a little something that’s just for me. But I knew that too wasn’t in the cards for this year. So I walked into the weekend prepared to be a little bummed.

Thankfully, I was wrong. The weekend Friday evening with a little the boy greeting me with a flower and a card he’d made for me at school for Mother’s Day. He was bursting at the seams to give it to me. It was so sweet, especially to see it in his own handwriting and the picture to go along with it. From there we took a trip to the mall. There were a few staples I needed in my wardrobe and I set out to treat myself to them. Let me take a minute right here to appreciate my baby boy who survived the excursion to the mall like a trooper. He didn’t complain too much, and even helped me to pick out a few things, which is very uncommon for him. He doesn’t like shopping with me much; I can’t blame him…lol Anyway, we grabbed some dinner and headed home and just chilled out for the evening. Saturday, we cleaned house, vegged around some and finally got dressed and joined civilization around 3 in the afternoon. Again the trooper, the boy sat at the nail salon while I treated myself to a pedicure and then we went to visit Twin and the matriarchs of her fam. After canceling our plans to go see RV, we hit up Blockbuster, grabbed some dinner and headed back home. Eight hours and three movies later, I retired to my room and dozed off for the night listing to music and just enjoying the stillness of the middle of the night. After being treated to an early morning “Happy Mother’s Day”, I slept in late Sunday morning. I admit I kinda wanted to go to church, but it really was nice to sleep in. The boy took me to lunch this afternoon at Applebee’s and then to see Akeelah and the Bee. He enjoyed being able to say that “he was taking me out” for Mother’s Day, and that in itself made my day that much special.

It was a simple Mother’s Day, but it was a good one for me. I expected to be down and depressed, but instead I found myself thankful for not only my baby boy, but for my family and my friends who all are special to me and made me feel special as well. I hope every other mother felt as loved and cherished as I did this mother’s day.

There are some days you pray for God to take the murderous thoughts out of your head. Today is one of those days.

I wanna thank the law for what is known as the Abandonment Warrent!