Diary of a Queen

I am so darn backwards! All I can do is laugh at myself. I’m put in the position to walk in the door of opportunity that I’ve been looking for for about a year or so now and I freeze up at the chance.

Briefly recapping, I was blessed a little less than a year ago with a job that saved me from the depressing, nowhere to go job I had at the time. I knew this new position was a door opener to the two areas I am most interested in: training and tech writing.

Today, I was put in front of the person who can help me get into training as a career. As we spoke, I expressed my interest in delivering training, specifically for clients. He began to tell me about some current opportunities within the company that could help me get my foot in the door. Without warning, my brain shut down, and took my mouth in the wrong direction. Brain said “You know training is in front of people; you know you don’t like to be in front of people”. And Brain is right, I hate being the center of attention. But despite that, I love training and when I am training I don’t really get that ‘center of attention’ nervousness I get in any other scenario. But since Brain spoke up, Mouth spit out ”Well I don’t think that I’m ready just yet to jump right in and start doing any instructing immediately; at this point I want to see what opportunities are out there and what path I should be looking towards”. WHAT?! Damn, did I just say that out loud?! I am such a chicken! I knew I was quickly committing suicide on this opportunity and some how I worked the words in that I was nervous at the thought of having to provide highly technical, expertise training to a group when I am not an expert in most of what my company offers. From there we discussed that a lot of the material delivered is high lever overview type material and we talked about the steps that happen behind the scenes to prepare for delivery. So together we put that issue aside and I saved face.

We concluded that I would work with one of the managers who currently delivers a portion of the two week orientation to work on learning that material. It was a logical decision because I am already familiar with this particular area of the company as I was just recently snatched from it to do the work I currently have to travel for.

I am NOT going to mess up this opportunity. I am going to work my butt off to overcome the nervousness. I am going to master this material and I am going to deliver it. And I am going to rock! There’s no room for doubt so I am starting right now to think past the doubt and into the certainty of my success.

Single parents. I have more respect for them than I can ever express. I’m biased because I am one, but it lends to my respect for them. I always say that single parents make things happen. And people often ask of majority of single parents “How do you do it?”, usually in reference to being successful in their careers and/or taking classes to earn a degree, and raising fabulous kids and keeping them active with sports and activities. I don’t know what most people say in response to that question but my answer is ususally “I just do. I don’t have a choice so I make it happen.” I’m blessed with friends who are family, who are my support system when I need, but if you ask most of them, they’d probably say I don’t ask of them as much as they’d give to me. I don’t ask unless I can’t do it myself. I’ve been doing for myself, practically by myself since age 12. So it’s natural for me to do for myself.

After today, I take my hat off to these kids. I may have done a lot at an early age, but these kids have had their childhoods ripped from them and what they do, to some people, is unimagainable. This show brought me to tears and I pray for strenght and courage for these kids and the countless kids like them who have to be adults. We adults can’t go another day saying we can’t do this and that. If these kids can accomplish what some adults don’t do, we damn sure can.

Clemson College Student Raising Brother

Eight Year Old Sister Cares for Twin Siblings

Eldest of Six Raises Five Siblings After Parents Are Murdered

I’ve not healed as I’d hoped I would from the spill I took last month. The first few days were bad but I ‘took it like a man’ and hobbled along on my ankle. After a week it was still uncomfortable, but manageable. Three weeks later, it was still only at manageable and I realized this was a bigger problem than I initially thought. The fact that I couldn’t get along without an Ace bandage and was still sleeping with it elevated to keep it level was a clear indication that it was not getting better. So I made the decision to see a doctor last Thursday.

The doctor’s prognosis was not bad, but not good either. It’s been declared as a sprain, however, there’s a concern that it may possibly be a hairline fracture that’s not showing on the x-rays. And so I’ve been sent to physical therapy to set in motion the necessary steps in the event an MRI is needed to further evaluate the problem. This alone worried me. The thought of a fracture didn’t scare me. The feeling that I can’t wear my heels for an extended period of time however did.

I wear heels. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I wear heels to bowling, knowing I’m going to take them off. I wear heels to the mall. I wear heels to work and party and chill. Ok, not to Walmart or the park, I’m not that bad. But you get my drift. I.Wear.Heels.

So the thought of not being able to wear them shook me a little bit. But I figured I’d just pick up a few basic pairs of lower heeled shoes and be good to go. Not completely flat, so I can still rock a heel.

I went to the physical therapist yesterday. She poked and pushed and pulled and apologized the entire time. She determined that I’ve done some ligament damage. I heard the words ‘walking boot’ and I almost lost my breath. I asked if the walking boot was an absolute requirement. If she said it was, then I’d wear it. I don’t want to do any more damage to my foot in my vanity. She said had I come in immediately after the fall, they certainly would have put me in one to immobilize my foot and ankle. At this stage in the game she didn’t see what difference the boot would have versus a lace up ankle brace. The brace will keep my ankle immobilized yet still functional. She doesn’t forsee that I’ll need surgery, which would be the only reason to put me in the walking boot now. So I was thankful for that. I asked if I would have to stay out of all heels completely. She didn’t say zero heels, but she didn’t recommend them either. She said the arch in the heel will slow down the healing process so I need to limit the amount of time I spend in heels or walking altogether. No malls, no parks, no extended amount of time on my feet. All my mind heard was ‘no heels’.

I’m trying to grasp the thought of life without heels. I’ve become comfortable enough in every day clothes and sneakers. I picked up a couple pair of these type shoes so I’m good as long as I have on jeans for a casual setting.

How will I dress for work though? Or going out? I can’t do loafers. Loafers?
I am not a loafer kinda girl.

I’ve thought about ballet type shoes, but these really aren’t me either.
I don’t know how to wear these shoes. I don’t know how to walk in these shoes. Hell, I fell in flat shoes. I need heels to live.

These next few months are going to be a serious challenge for me. I can’t say I am going to stay out of heels completely. I can not commit to that. I am going to wear them as infrequently as possible. But you can’t take me out of heels. That’s like taking water from plants, like taking sugar away from Kool Aid…dammit that’s like taking Smoochie cookies from Tiff and Shelly. You just can’t have one without the other. I may be knocked out of my heels for a little while, but we shall be reunited!

I think I’m OD’ed on ‘people time’. The trip up to NY a few weeks ago for work started it. Coming back home and dealing with micromanaging and endless meetings hasn’t helped. I’ve seen various people over the weekend and the more time I spent around them, the more I wanted to be by myself. It’s about that time that I retreat for a little bit. Unfortunately, with football still going strong for another three weeks (hopefully only three unless we make it to the playoffs), retreating isn’t really in the cards right now. Hopefully I can get a day or two to myself if a certain someone keeps good on their word and gets another certain someone on a weekend sometime soon (trying to be nice here). That’ll at least tide me over a little bit. I think.