Diary of a Queen

My brain is everywhere right now. I could talk about everything on it, but its all so random. And ok in all honesty, I don’t want to. But it not just that I have a lot on my mind, it more the way its everywhere right now. It’s scattered. It’s cluttered. And to no surprise, so is my home. The two rooms I occupy the most (my living room and bedroom) are messy right now. I’ve been working from home more often than not for the past two weeks or so (I am so blessed!) and I didn’t know how easy it is to make a mess when you are doing that. My coffee table has become my desk, so it’s covered. I’m home so I can do laundry during the day. It gets washed. It doesn’t get folded, so it’s starting to accumulate (again). I drop off he boy at school and come back home, and drop my shoes in the living room. They don’t always make it upstairs. So the house isn’t dirty but it is messy and cluttered. And being in a cluttered environment is cluttering my brain. I can’t sort my thoughts well. And since the thoughts don’t stop, they all mesh and meld together and mixing that with the normally emotional creature I am…well that’s not the best combination. After staying that way for too long my brain will smother itself. Yet, working from home, I never really turn off. I just take breaks. Trying to master a new craft, I’m always thinking about work so I’ll turn on the laptop when I should be doing something else. Like cleaning. I want to blog, I have a few things on my mind. I need to clean.

Tonight. I’ll straighten up tonight. Or maybe in the morning. Ok soon, I’ll do it soon. For real.

Back then, I was in love love love with D-Nice. I was way too young to even be thinking about guys, but oohh weee, I had my heart set on some D-Nice. Come on, everyone is entitled to a schoolgirl crush or two.

Now that I’m grown, I’m really diggin’ him as a dj. I keep missing him at SolFusion and it breaks my heart everytime. He and DJ Jazzy Jeff make my heart pound when they spin. But dammit, now I’m in love all over again. Making my way through the blogs nominated for this years blackweblog awards, I found The D-Nice Journal. Not only is he an awesome dj, but his photography absolutely blew me away. I was totally caught off guard. I’m so glad to see that one of hip hop’s finest has so much to offer, beyond the world of hip hop.

And so I must shamelessly plug: Go vote vote vote for Tiffany B. Brown and vote The D-Nice Journal. Hey had to plug my girl, if I’m gonna plug a stranger, even if my schoolgirl crush on the stranger is renewed…lol

Ive never be one to describe myself as fragile or delicate. But you know what they say…never say never right.

So many people, so many emotions. So many of you touch me in so many ways.
If you think I’m talking about you, I might just be. You need to know, and so I’m reaching out you.

You are invaluable.
You should stop catering to people so much.
You amaze me.
You deserve to be happy.
You are the reason I wake up every morning.
You could know more if you just asked.
You are seriously spoiled.
You have my utmost respect.
You make me smile.
You are missing out on blessings you created.
You missed out.
You are missed.
You are not thinking clearly.
You need to admit there is a problem.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
You are beautiful.
You aren’t greedy.
You have caused some deep rooted scars.
You will see in time that things are exactly as they seem.
You do your best, and you do it very well.
You are worthless.
You have come so far.
You enlighten me.

Life throws us problems daily; some larger than others. How you deal with those problems shapes and molds who you are. I don’t believe there is a formula to handling problems that is guaranteed to make them easy. Each issue is different; each individual is unique. What I do think though is that you need to evaluate each situation you face and devise a course of action for it.

Venting and complaining are one in the same. Or should I say venting becomes complaining when you don’t put a plan of action into place. I think it’s because of that I have a hard time venting because I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. That’s my own personal struggle though. A plan of action is mandatory if you want to see the issue change. It’s really that simple. Talking isn’t going to fix anything. What are you going to do about it? And you have to assess: what do I have control to fix and what is out of my control? If you can, then devise a plan and act on it. A plan is no good without the follow through. If you can’t, let it go. You can’t control anyone else’s actions, only you own. And you can’t force your thoughts and/or opinions on someone expecting them to do what you think is best. Everyone is their own person and while you may be ready to take action, they may not be. Fear of losing something or someone can not be a factor in you plan. You have to be willing to let go of the source of conflict if you have to in order to come to a resolution.

I’ve been having this very conversation with a few people in my life, some more often than others. I recognize that you don’t truly grasp a concept until you are ready to. So I’m not one to talk them til I am blue in the face about it. If you ask me, I will tell you what I think. What you do with it is on you. And if we talk about it again, I won’t throw it in your face. Why? Because I wouldn’t want ‘I told you so’ thrown at me in the same situation. Doing the same things expecting different results clearly doesn’t work. But sometimes you don’t see that you are in that circle until you are ready to break it. Ehh, such is life; we all have to learn some kind of way.

I saw something today that really moved me. I’ve strayed away from attending church; and while my reasoning is valid, the bottom line is I haven’t been doing what I need to do to start attending again. I’d been feeling empty in the last church I’d spent almost a year at, and felt it was time to look elsewhere. But I wasn’t doing much to search for a new one to attend. Today, thanks to one of the ASB members, I attended New Mercies Christian Church in Lilburn. I felt very welcomed the moment I walked in and despite the church not having some the accommodations I expected based on their website; I later discovered the reason is because their new building is still being built.

The pastor took a different approach in the service today and the entire service was praise and worship. An uncommon and unconventional approach, but a very well received, very much appreciated fresh approach to incorporate different way of ministering into receiving the word. What I saw that moved me though was the youth in the church taking what they see in the world and applying it to the Lord. When I saw a group of five or six kids ‘Jockin’ (I have no idea if that’s how you spell it) to the music because that’s what they relate to, I nearly burst out into tears. Our kids are able to balance the two sides of life, they can see and be exposed to things and still know what is expected of them by their parent and church community and do what they know to be right.

I can’t say this is the church I will make my home; there are still some other’s I’d like to visit as well. But what I can say is that I would recommend to anyone who is looking for a church to attend to make a stop at New Mercies. They seem to have big things in mind for their family. And I say family because you really do feel like family in their midst.

I ‘borrowed’ this from who knows where. I thought it was cute…and I ain’t really got much to say so this is what you get…lol

Two Names You Go By:
1. Tot
2. Twin

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Tan woven pumps
2. White cardigan

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Brutal honesty
2. Endless laughter

Two Things You Want Really Badly At This Moment:
1. This BP role at work
2. A healthy gift certificate to Ikea (*Sigh* I’ve become one of ‘those people’)

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Reading almost anything
2. Watching movies

Two pets you have had:
1. Az – the family dog when we we’re kids (Yes the dog’s name was Az…blame my goofy Mama for that one; you can’t image having to explain that one as a kid: “No, Az, not Ass, Azzzzz”)
2. I can barely count the one in number 1, I don’t even like animals

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Twin – she likes this kinda stuff
2. Cristy – she does too, if she can the time before the wedding

Two things you did last night:
1. Learned all the postions in football at the boys’ almost rained out practice
2. Shopped for school supplies at midnight to beat the madness that will ensue the entire tax free weekend

Two Favorite Places to eat:
1. Frontera
2. Pappadeux

Two things you ate today:
1. Sausage and cheese crossaint
2. Cashews

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. That cute Navy guy
2. My favorite past coworker