Diary of a Queen

*Note*: this post contains some sexual content. Anyone who doesn’t want to hear about me and anything sexual of nature (read: Monroe), do pass Go, do not collect the desire to bash in any man I ever get involved with (Monroe!)

If this is not you, you may continue reading.

Deja Vu – Now I loves me some Beyonce; whether its Beyonce ‘n nem or her solo, I loves my Beyonce (even when she puts writes lyrics that don’t quite make sense like Bug-A-Boo and Pay My Bills). And I absolutely LOVE Déjà Vu. I mean Really and Truly. The first time I heard it, I almost lost my mind. Had to have it right away and knew all the words after about the third time in a row I played it. So it hurts me to much to have to say this: The video for Déjà vu SUCKS; in a way that I couldn’t have imagined. When she performed it on the BET Awards, I admit I was disappointed. I expected a much better dance routine that the simple *ish she did. But I figured she was saving the good stuff for the video. I couldn’t have been more wrong. What the hell is she doing in this video?!?! The dancing is sub-par at best. I am soooo tired of that walking-shaking seizure looking thing she seems to think is cute, the Tina Turner ‘Shake a Tailfeather’ was just unnecessary, that African looking dance doesn’t really fit and that mess at the end – WTF?!? Which leads to the point that the video simply has no concept, which is sad because with the topic of the song it really had a great concept: I don’t know, how about a montage of some type making it seem as if she’s having Déjà vu? Considering Crazy in Love and Check on It were solely focused around just her, this one didn’t need to be. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. I expect so much more from her. I’m not abandoning her yet, but this certainly isn’t helping the cause.

Porn – Another Bert Show revelation: I know why I now don’t watch porn. I don’t have anything against porn. I did when I was younger, but I was young and simply didn’t understand men and their attraction to it. I’m a little older, a little wiser and not offended by the thought of my partner watching porn without me. Myself, I have never been a flick kinda girl; or at least that’s what I like to tell myself. But really I know that’s not true. While I don’t have a deep love for it, I can’t say it doesn’t “move” me. Certain porn does. My problem is I’m ashamed to be a voyeur. There. I said it. I am uncomfortable with people seeing me enjoy something sexual. Me; the person who pretty much doesn’t care what people think about her, is ashamed of being observed watching sexually explicit anything: porn, strippers, anything at all. Now why that is, I have no idea whatsoever. But considering I just figured this out this morning, I’m OK with not knowing for now. Now that I know it, the hard part is over. Hell, blogging it for the world (Ok, the seven people who read this) to know, is a pretty big step in itself. So now that I know, I’ll work on figuring out why, and then I can get over it. Oh boy, please don’t let me end up being like Twin and Mr. New Smooty, up in the club contributing to the shoe models’ college funds. Nah…I like my money to be in my own pocket way too much for that to happen…lol

Baby, baby, baby – Uggg, I’ve got the baby bug again. I can see random pregnant women and not be affected. But if I spend any amount of time around someone that I’m close to and they are pregnant, I’m bit. One of my good friends from high school is beautifully pregnant right now and after seeing her not just pregnant, but beautiful and happy and glowing and excited, I’m moved. I’ve been on the fence for about a year now about whether or not I want to have another child. With the boy getting up in age, he’s becoming so independent that the thought of reverting back to the sleepless nights, getting up early in the morning, and everything else related to having a child under the age of about 5 makes me a little wary. But I’ve always wanted two; as in two that I have birthed. I’m not at all against my family being larger than two because the man I end up with has a child of his own. Now, how many he has does play a factor of course, I’m not looking to have the Brady Bunch, but really family is so important to me that more than two wouldn’t be so bad. Although, having the bug is not so bad, I’m gonna need to have a husband to see any of this happen. I guess I better back track my thinking just a little bit. Find in the following order: boyfriend –> husband –> baby!