Diary of a Queen

One person should not relate to T.V. characters so much. I have found myself within quite of few of the Grey’s Anatomy cast throughout the season. At the moment, my name is Meredith. The guy she is recently involved with called her ‘scary and damaged’ the other night and she insisted on denying his view of her. Yet, the moment he tried to pry into her world just a little, she clammed up and left the discussion quite open and unaddressed.

That left me wondering, how does one scarred individual find a way to open the door and let the interested party in? Do you refuse to do anymore than peep out the peephole and just talk through the door? I mean, that would be a pretty muffled, limited conversation. Do you crack the door open with the chain still on the door? Just letting out a little bit, testing the waters to see how that information is used once it’s put out there. Is it used to harm you? Manipulate you? Help you grow and heal? Or do you just fling the door wide open and say “Come on in!”? Taking a complete leap of faith in whichever deity above you believe in and putting yourself out there for whatever may come.

Wouldn’t it be nice to fling that door open? I’m sure in our youth, that’s what we did. We were young and reckless, and full of love and hope. After having those hopes dashed a time or two, most of us have resorted to some of the other, more reserved tactics.

Meredith admitted later in the episode to being scary and damaged; after her guy friend share his own “scariness and damage”. Does that make it easier? Knowing that the person who wants you to open the door to them has some of the same fears and apprehension as you do? I think it’s a double edged sword.

On one side: two damaged people have the potential to really work out IF they both openly acknowledge they are scared and damaged AND they want to change. They no longer desire to live their life afraid and hurting. They have to be willing to walk through the fire to reach the land where that type of hurt and pain do not reside. Because in order tp overcome those things, there is guaranteed to be some cussing and fussing before peace is achieved. But if each of these individuals is willing to ride it out, if they feel their feelings for each other are worthy of the fight, they can succeed. The flip side if this damage-damage scenario is simple however, if one is not as dedicated to the final outcome of mutual happiness, failure is inevitable.

On the other side: one scary person trying to work things out with a non-scary person can only work with a similar dedication. The difference here is that the non-scary person has to be willing to take on a lot that they really aren’t deserving of. They have to live down what another person has done. Someone else lied, but they have to live it down and show they are not the same liar. Someone else abandoned them when they needed them the most, but they have to pick up the pieces more than the average to show that they will always be by their side. It takes a strong non-scary person to be able to do that. And that person has to really see something within the scary person; something that they feel is worth enduring such unfairness to help this person see the other side of happiness. I don’t think there are many up to the challenge.

I’m scary, damaged Meredith. It’s going to take an extremely strong, willing person to break me down. I don’t know if it’s the damaged type that can handle me or the non-scary type. Both should be able to see the fire around me if they talk to me and get to know me enough. I’d let both stand next to me in the fire. I just wonder which would make it across with us both still side by side.