Diary of a Queen

Bloghopping landed me at The KajauanaShow this morning. This particular post got my attention and of course I can’t help but spill my two cents on this issue.

So is homosexuality something you are born with or a development of life experiences? My answer is: both. I think it varies for some people. I know people who say they knew at such and such and age that they were attracted to the opposite sex. Then others have had some type of “encounter” and never looked back. Is one lying versus the other? Who the hell am I to say? I believe in both scenarios.

Here’s my thing: labels. Hate them. They are stupid and pointless and are the creation of a closed minded individual. “If a person is attracted to the same sex then they are gay.” “If a person has sex with the same they are gay.” “If they are attracted but don’t act on it, they are still gay.” Hold up, stop, wait a damn minute. Why are people so insistent on putting a definition on someone’s sexuality? Are you telling me that I have to be gay because I am attracted to men and women? Well what if I only sleep with one of them. Hell what if I sleep with both of them. What does that make me, gay? Straight?Bisexual? Trisexual? Come on, stop that!

How about this? How about people stop worrying about frivolous things that don’t relate to their own life and take car of themselves and their families. Last time I checked homosexuality is not contagious. Being around someone of an opposing sexuality will not “turn you gay”; just like being around someone of the opposte race or gender will not turn you either. You are who you are and they are who they are. Being around any other person that is different from you is an enlightening experience. They have the same morals, goals, joys, and pains as the rest of the heterosexual world. And if it isn’t then you are doing yourself an injustice. Take them out of the box you have been trying to fit them nice and neatly into and see what you can learn from them.

It’s Friday and I am super crunk. Got the fullest weekend in the world ahead of me and looking forward to every mintue of it. Now check back on Monday so I can tell you how sleepy and grumpy I am…lol

In the meantime, someone sent me this email and although I’m sure it’s been around and around, it’s funny to me everytime I read it; especially since I can relate to both having it happen to me AND doing some of it now.

Happy Friday ya’ll!

OLD SCHOOL BLACK MAMAS

There used to be a time when black children were the best behaved
children in the world, now look at them. Time out my foot!

1. Have you ever been called downstairs from upstairs or the back of
the house, or from the front of the house to get the remote, change
the
channel, or fix her a glass of ice water?

2. Have you ever been hit with an extension cord, a switch, or the
nearest shoe?

3. Have you ever had to pick your own switch off the tree and she
sent
you back because the one you picked was too little?

4. Have you ever been burned on your ear with a straightening comb?

5. Have you ever been hit in the head or knuckles with a comb or
hair
brush?
6. Have you ever been told to “Shut Up or I’ll give you something to
cry about while she beats you with a belt - pronouncing every
syllable—”Did-n’t—I—tell—-you—not—to-do —!— That—no
—more?!”

7. Your ponytails or plaits were so tight, you got those little
bumps
around you scalp.

8. The white people in the school office (principal, secretary, etc.)
were afraid of her.

9. You were scared to go home when you had a bad report card.

10. Alcohol, peroxide, cocoa butter, and Vaseline were the main items
in the bathroom cabinet.

11. You were never “on punishment” - just got whooping right out of
the
shower.

12. Have you ever been pinched for going to sleep in church?

13. She made you participate in every church activity (choir, Jr. Usher
Board, Easter play, Christmas play, etc.)

14. Has she ever come inside and picked you up from school dance in
hair rollers and her gown or pajamas on under her coat?

15. When you ask her for something, her response is . . . “You got a
job?”

16. Have you ever been beaten for something your brother or sister did
just because you were around?

17. She vacuums everyday just so the carpet can have lines in it.

18. Have you ever been told to turn off the TV, get off the phone, or
sit down and be quiet when it’s storming outside because the Lord was
doing his work?

19. Friends, family and friends of the family try to keep you out of
trouble because they know your mother and how she is.
20. You were afraid to call the child abuse hotline.

21. She has to talk to God…”Lord, please don’t let me hurt this
child!!”
before she gives you a whipping.

Is it socially acceptable to have a stand-in, imaginary boyfriend until you get a real one? Ok let me rephrase, that sounds a little crazy. He’s not imaginary; he is a real person; I just don’t know him personally. His name is Dwele, and I fell in love with him about as fast as he fell in love with me ( “I Think I Love You”) . He’s been serenading me, telling me how if I keep on doing me just I do me, he’s gonna have to make “that change” (”Keep On”). He acknowledges his pimpin’ dreams(”A Pimp’s Dream’s”), but recognizes the reality of long lasting love (”Old Lova”) and comes back home to me. He’s making me feel special about nothing at all just me (”My Lova”) . But most of all he’s a man that’s all about love, real love and those are a type that is few and far between nowadays. I’m gonna hold on to him tight until somebody comes along to do what he does.

I wanna thank the law for what is known as the Abandonment Warrent!

It could just be my imagination, but I swear it seems like every three months or so I get a call or email or text or IM from some guy I have dated at some point who wants to explain to me how they have reevaluated and reinvented themselves and want to show me how they have “changed”. I don’t really get it. Do guys run down their contacts and decide to just get back in touch and see what jumps off? It’s pretty amusing actaully…especially when the same one does it every few months or so.

With me there’s not much going back. I won’t say never, but you have to really, really be “in the door” to have any opportunity at coming back for a second go round. And if you are looking for a third, you may as well stop wasting your time. Do guys really think we are that needy? Or is it that some of us are and make it harder for those who aren’t?

You know sometimes your friends do the silliest things to put a smile on your face. I don’t know how Columbus Day became HotPants Day…but I’m not about to debate it!

I declare that everyone must go out and purchase a pair of jeans that they look fabulous in. Happy Me Day to me dammit!

Love ya’ll!!!

Ok, everyone knows I’m a Ludacris fan. Not just for his music, but he’s at the TIP-TOP of The List. You know the “he could get it in the bat of an eye” list. Well I confess, there’s a few other people that do it for me that probably aren’t on most people’s list.

• David Banner - It’s gotta be the grit in his voice, because other than that I just cannot explain it, but he is sexy to me.
• BowWow - Yes, I know he’s barely legal but damn he’s a cutie.
• Black Thought - Intelligence is sexy as hell; coupled with the ability to flow - on top of a band, on a track, or in silence. See him live one time and you will see what I mean!
• Mos Def - That whole intelligence thing that Black Thought has going on…same applies to Mos Def
• Shakira - Yeah I said it, and what?! Have you seen her move?! There is not a woman alive: straight or gay that can deny that she is insanely sexy. Goodlawd!!!

I’d love to hear who is on your “List” that most people who not at all believe or understand.

We all know at least one person that always has something going on, some kinda drama, something always wrong with them. Their life is riddled with unforeseen, unavoidable issues. No matter what they do, how hard they try, they just cannot escape the inevitable occurance of “shit hitting the fan”. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don’t know one oo those people, allow me to introduce myself. My name is QueenT and I am a surviving walking disaster. At any given moment, I have at least two issues I am battling at a time…and that, in all honesty, is an understatement. Sometimes they are little flames, sometimes they are major fires, but there’s always a battle going on.

I think some peolpe are born into this lifestyle; kinda like sexuality. Some people are born gay; I was born a walking disaster. I don’t have much control over it. It’s one of those things you just learn to live with. After awhile, you really do get used to it. You learn how to cope; you become stronger, more resiliant. I guess that’s why I consider myself such a realist. Somethings just are and there’s nothing you can do but take them as they are and keep it moving, or stand still trying to figure it all out and get run over in the process. It’s hard having friends though. Having people you hang out with is easy, at least for me, being as “hus hush” as I am. But having real friends that you talk to and confide in is hard. You know they are your friends and love you and support you and would do anything for you. But the thing is: they are always doing something for you, because you always have shit going on. You get tired of having them in the position to “do something” for you. You get tired of complaining and crying and venting to them. You just get tired and try to wish and hope and pray it all away. But, nope, you can only wish it could be that easy. And sure enough, they end up doing something else for you again. Yeah, having friends is the part that’s harder than the issues themselves, because you suck others into your own personal black hole.

I’m not the only walking disaster; there are plenty other like me. I am just the one bold enough to share it with the world. To the friends of us walking disasters: “we love you immensly and hope you always know it” To those who only see us walking disasters from the outside looking in: don’t judge us, don’t pity us, and don’t think you know us because you can never. Just leave us in peace; we have enough shit to deal with.

It’s still hard for me to believe that I work for the company that I work for and am having the experience that I am having. Many people in IT that have never worked here, have aspired to work for this company. The name carries a lot of weight and prestige. However, the real thing, isn’t anything like anyone dreams of.

I came in thinking, I’d work hard, earn more responsibilities and excel, as I have in every other job I have held since I was sixteen working in corporate America. This company was to be no exception. Yet, a year and a half later, to have a member of management tell me that this job is not one to take if you have aspirations of moving on and up within the company, was mind blowing to say the least. I guess I shouldn’t have been surpirsed; I realized that was the case about half a year or so ago. But to hear it confirmed by management…well that was basically my indication to fly the coop as fast is as humanly possible.

With my work ethic, staying in that environment is career and emotional suicide. I already feel like I have wasted my time being there; I haven’t accomplished anything besides earning a paycheck while finishing school. So for that part, I am thankful. And the name looks damn good on the resume. But other than than…worthless. The environment is truly breaking my spirit. I am not the same person there that I was when I first started. Nor the same person when I work on projects outside of work. I give the job about 25%…because that’s all it requires. I can’t function like that. My brain is melting dammit!

Ok now that I have gotten that off my chest, I can focus 200% on landing a real job. Once the message was made clear by management, I dug down deep and found all the resources imaginable to start to find the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s amazing what’s out there when you really start looking. I declared this to be My Year this year, and despite everything I have seen this year, I still believe it will be. My new job is right around the corner.

Back in June I declared that I’d reveal something personal about myself everyweek. Everyone seems to know me, but not know about me. In case you hadn’t noticed, I managed to do so for a couple weeks and then I stopped. All that revealing was very uncharacteristic of me. My intention was to learn and grow from the experience. And I did. I learned that I don’t need or want to open up to that extent. It is uncharacteristic of me, and it’s not a change that I feel I need to make. I tried it, didn’t like it, so I’m announcing that “I’m done.” Learn me over time. It’ll give you more reason to stick around…or more fuel to gossip.