Diary of a Queen

She so young, and so sweet. She’s quick to make a joke and always laughing at something or nothing at all. Bubbly, funny, insanely intelligent, and the cutest little thing you’d see. But that’s what she wants you to see. Because on the inside she’s crying, fading to black, faster than anyone could ever imagine. She shows you what she wants you to see. She wants everything about her to look perfect. But its not. It hasn’t been for a long time now; almost never. One little girl, one little soul has seen and lived through so much in so few years. How can one little girl be so strong for so long? How can she be expected to find her way out of all that the world has thrown on top of her? She’s been buried alive for longer than she ever remembers. No one has really tried to help her. No one has opened their eyes, or their arms, or their hearts to her. And she knows this. It’s no wonder she finally broke. She just snapped. No warning, no explanation. Just shut down. The signs were their all along. In her own way she’s tried to reach out for help. But the words never came forward, not in a way that anyone else interpreted as a cry for help. They heard her voice, but the never heard the message. They couldn’t miss the message though when she stopped talking. No one was listening anyway, right? At least that’s how she sees it. So she stops talking, but she keeps cutting. All the while she was smiling and laughing, she was cutting. It kept the real pain at bay. It keeps her in her own reality, keeps her in control of the little she has control over. Even now, now that they have locked her away to ‘help her’, she’s still in control. She’s not cutting, but she not talking either.

I see so much in her. I saw a beautiful spirit in her from the moment I met her. I knew she was something special; I just didn’t know how much. I saw a lot of myself in her before I knew what I know now, and now that I know, I see even more of me. She reached out to me just a tiny bit not so long ago, and I grabbed her hand, not knowing at some point in the near future I would need to grab so much more than just her hand. She needed me to grab onto her, onto all of her to maybe, hopefully keep her afloat just one more day. Somehow, someway I reached her. Day by day, she told me a tiny bit and I told her a little bit. For some reason that is above my understanding she trusts me, she listens to me, and she knows I am listening to her. She won’t talk to me now; she still won’t talk to anyone at all. But she communicates with me and only me. We communicate all day, morning through night and she’s shared so much with me. She’s so torn; she wants to be better, but she doesn’t want to hurt anymore. And I can only pray I can help her find a middle ground because I’m the only one she trusts. There’s no way I could leave her. Not now and not like this. I don’t know when or how or what, but I no that she needs someone, if only one single person to stick by her side. No one else is listening to her, but I am. I just pray the day doesn’t come where there is nothing for me to listen to.

I could be transferred over to another division with less than 18 months into the company, per company standards, but transferring out of that division without said 18 months is now against company policy. Time to start looking around.

Good

• The boy telling me he loves me more than a PSP on the flight up to NY
• Seeing all my fam on my father side in one place, and at one time; there were family members there that I hadn’t seen in over 10 years; the photos and memories alone will sustain me for another 10 years
• Our flight was on time, which was good since it was Thanksgiving afternoon
• Going out drinking with my cousin that I usually avoid because she’s the black sheep of the fam and always into something, and one of my closest friends from high school on her birthday
• Being able to just chill not having to care or really worry about anything more than having a good time; especially when someone else was buying
• Hanging out with both my brothers and their girlfriends

Bad

• The small jet that I was unaware we were taking, not quite a propeller but certainly not what my turbulence tolerance was prepared for
• The fact that my aunt could only stay for 12 hours, I hadn’t seen her in forever and man I had no idea how cool she is
• Daddy Cuevo struck again; yes I lost a few hours…lol

Ugly

• The bright yellow Cobalt I had as a rental that attracted more attention than I really wanted or needed
• Getting drunk and trying to stab a dude in the neck with my rental car keys because he wouldn’t leave me and my cousin alone
• Both my brothers have more stable relationships than I do; they each have been in the same relationship for almost a year now
• My child snoring in my ear like a grown man

***warning: lots of randomness***

I feel the need to check in since I rally haven’t said much lately. Mostly because all has been well in the Queendom. I’ve become the boy’s personal assistant the past few weeks, his social calendar is fuller than mine right about now! LOL

I’m annoyed that my ankle is not getting better as fast as I’d like it to. The therapist has basically told me that my injury is as un-textbook as it gets and they aren’t sure what the best course of action is. They can’t decide at this point if its just ligament or possibly nerve damage because of the nature of what, where and how it hurts. In the mean time, twin’s party this past Saturday made me come to grips with the fact that I’m going to have to make the best of this flat shoe thing. I was in the mall last week and I saw some styles of both clothes and shoes that I can make work with me so I’m off this weekend to go work on putting together my ‘flat shoe style’. Stay tuned, I may post a pic…lol

Work is trying to put me through some hoops as of the past week. Looks like they are trying to back me into a corner regarding this travel thing. Because of the switch up back in June/July its becoming a big todo about me not traveling now that I’m in consulting, which is not where I was initially hired. To not draw out the long, elaborate story of the past few days, I’ll just say that I have a few sit downs coming up over the next few days that will be defining moments. Once the ground settles, I’ll post the outcome.

I had a bomb dropped on my by a family member a few days ago that I’m still reeling from. I can’t divulge it just yet because not everyone in the family has been informed and some of the fam does drivebys here. But I wasn’t prepared at all, just didn’t see it coming. But as the more understanding and accepting one in the fam, everyone else’s reaction to the news is going to be ‘interesting’ to say the least.

Speaking of fam, looks like I’ll be in the war zone I call home for both the holidays this year. My grandmother has fallen ill so a lot of my fam will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas is G-Mommy’s and the boy’s holiday together so I have to get him back up home for that. Pray for me…lol

I think that’s all… at least at 4:35pm on Friday anyway. That is subject to change minute by minute…lol

It’s Friday, I’m coming home and I’m happy as hell. That has nothing to do with this You Tube moment but so what.

I’ve been eating room service every night this week. Yes, I am in NY again. I’m working on that small problem. I was hired with an agreement of limited travel. Two weeks was pushing it, but the way things are progressing (or not progressing) here onsite, this work will continue another two weeks and even that may not accomplish the task at hand. So yours truly more than likely will not be in NY next week. I digress…

The room service selection is not very extensive so last night I settled on a steak that looked pretty tempting on the menu. There was a recommended wine selection so I thought “Ehhh, why not?” and I ordered the wine too. I’ve never been much of a wine drinker and especially red, but I know red goes very well with steak and I was feeling daring. The meal arrived and I was pleased with the appearance of everything. Steak, potatoes, asparagus (yes, I like asparagus); and what is that next to the steak? A stuffed tomato with cheese melted on top. Hmm, ok, I’ll try it.

I taste everything and it’s all great. I taste the wine. It’s very, very bitter; dry I believe you would call it. But not bad. I mix the stead potatoes, all good. I eat the steak with the wine, still good. I try the tomato…with the steak. Yes, you read that correct; I ate the tomato and the steak at the same time. I.do.not.mix.my.food. I just don’t. I don’t freak out anymore when it’s all on the same plate, but I keep it as separated as possible. So mixing something as abstract as tomatoes and steaks, that’s not me. But I did. And I liked it. If I wasn’t “enjoying” the wine so much (wine gives me an immediate buzz), I might have jumped up and down for joy. Instead I just chilled with my buzz and finished my meal (which was interrupted, but that’s another story for another day).

I mixed my food ya’ll! Yea!!!

I am so darn backwards! All I can do is laugh at myself. I’m put in the position to walk in the door of opportunity that I’ve been looking for for about a year or so now and I freeze up at the chance.

Briefly recapping, I was blessed a little less than a year ago with a job that saved me from the depressing, nowhere to go job I had at the time. I knew this new position was a door opener to the two areas I am most interested in: training and tech writing.

Today, I was put in front of the person who can help me get into training as a career. As we spoke, I expressed my interest in delivering training, specifically for clients. He began to tell me about some current opportunities within the company that could help me get my foot in the door. Without warning, my brain shut down, and took my mouth in the wrong direction. Brain said “You know training is in front of people; you know you don’t like to be in front of people”. And Brain is right, I hate being the center of attention. But despite that, I love training and when I am training I don’t really get that ‘center of attention’ nervousness I get in any other scenario. But since Brain spoke up, Mouth spit out ”Well I don’t think that I’m ready just yet to jump right in and start doing any instructing immediately; at this point I want to see what opportunities are out there and what path I should be looking towards”. WHAT?! Damn, did I just say that out loud?! I am such a chicken! I knew I was quickly committing suicide on this opportunity and some how I worked the words in that I was nervous at the thought of having to provide highly technical, expertise training to a group when I am not an expert in most of what my company offers. From there we discussed that a lot of the material delivered is high lever overview type material and we talked about the steps that happen behind the scenes to prepare for delivery. So together we put that issue aside and I saved face.

We concluded that I would work with one of the managers who currently delivers a portion of the two week orientation to work on learning that material. It was a logical decision because I am already familiar with this particular area of the company as I was just recently snatched from it to do the work I currently have to travel for.

I am NOT going to mess up this opportunity. I am going to work my butt off to overcome the nervousness. I am going to master this material and I am going to deliver it. And I am going to rock! There’s no room for doubt so I am starting right now to think past the doubt and into the certainty of my success.

Single parents. I have more respect for them than I can ever express. I’m biased because I am one, but it lends to my respect for them. I always say that single parents make things happen. And people often ask of majority of single parents “How do you do it?”, usually in reference to being successful in their careers and/or taking classes to earn a degree, and raising fabulous kids and keeping them active with sports and activities. I don’t know what most people say in response to that question but my answer is ususally “I just do. I don’t have a choice so I make it happen.” I’m blessed with friends who are family, who are my support system when I need, but if you ask most of them, they’d probably say I don’t ask of them as much as they’d give to me. I don’t ask unless I can’t do it myself. I’ve been doing for myself, practically by myself since age 12. So it’s natural for me to do for myself.

After today, I take my hat off to these kids. I may have done a lot at an early age, but these kids have had their childhoods ripped from them and what they do, to some people, is unimagainable. This show brought me to tears and I pray for strenght and courage for these kids and the countless kids like them who have to be adults. We adults can’t go another day saying we can’t do this and that. If these kids can accomplish what some adults don’t do, we damn sure can.

Clemson College Student Raising Brother

Eight Year Old Sister Cares for Twin Siblings

Eldest of Six Raises Five Siblings After Parents Are Murdered

I’ve not healed as I’d hoped I would from the spill I took last month. The first few days were bad but I ‘took it like a man’ and hobbled along on my ankle. After a week it was still uncomfortable, but manageable. Three weeks later, it was still only at manageable and I realized this was a bigger problem than I initially thought. The fact that I couldn’t get along without an Ace bandage and was still sleeping with it elevated to keep it level was a clear indication that it was not getting better. So I made the decision to see a doctor last Thursday.

The doctor’s prognosis was not bad, but not good either. It’s been declared as a sprain, however, there’s a concern that it may possibly be a hairline fracture that’s not showing on the x-rays. And so I’ve been sent to physical therapy to set in motion the necessary steps in the event an MRI is needed to further evaluate the problem. This alone worried me. The thought of a fracture didn’t scare me. The feeling that I can’t wear my heels for an extended period of time however did.

I wear heels. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I wear heels to bowling, knowing I’m going to take them off. I wear heels to the mall. I wear heels to work and party and chill. Ok, not to Walmart or the park, I’m not that bad. But you get my drift. I.Wear.Heels.

So the thought of not being able to wear them shook me a little bit. But I figured I’d just pick up a few basic pairs of lower heeled shoes and be good to go. Not completely flat, so I can still rock a heel.

I went to the physical therapist yesterday. She poked and pushed and pulled and apologized the entire time. She determined that I’ve done some ligament damage. I heard the words ‘walking boot’ and I almost lost my breath. I asked if the walking boot was an absolute requirement. If she said it was, then I’d wear it. I don’t want to do any more damage to my foot in my vanity. She said had I come in immediately after the fall, they certainly would have put me in one to immobilize my foot and ankle. At this stage in the game she didn’t see what difference the boot would have versus a lace up ankle brace. The brace will keep my ankle immobilized yet still functional. She doesn’t forsee that I’ll need surgery, which would be the only reason to put me in the walking boot now. So I was thankful for that. I asked if I would have to stay out of all heels completely. She didn’t say zero heels, but she didn’t recommend them either. She said the arch in the heel will slow down the healing process so I need to limit the amount of time I spend in heels or walking altogether. No malls, no parks, no extended amount of time on my feet. All my mind heard was ‘no heels’.

I’m trying to grasp the thought of life without heels. I’ve become comfortable enough in every day clothes and sneakers. I picked up a couple pair of these type shoes so I’m good as long as I have on jeans for a casual setting.

How will I dress for work though? Or going out? I can’t do loafers. Loafers?
I am not a loafer kinda girl.

I’ve thought about ballet type shoes, but these really aren’t me either.
I don’t know how to wear these shoes. I don’t know how to walk in these shoes. Hell, I fell in flat shoes. I need heels to live.

These next few months are going to be a serious challenge for me. I can’t say I am going to stay out of heels completely. I can not commit to that. I am going to wear them as infrequently as possible. But you can’t take me out of heels. That’s like taking water from plants, like taking sugar away from Kool Aid…dammit that’s like taking Smoochie cookies from Tiff and Shelly. You just can’t have one without the other. I may be knocked out of my heels for a little while, but we shall be reunited!

I think I’m OD’ed on ‘people time’. The trip up to NY a few weeks ago for work started it. Coming back home and dealing with micromanaging and endless meetings hasn’t helped. I’ve seen various people over the weekend and the more time I spent around them, the more I wanted to be by myself. It’s about that time that I retreat for a little bit. Unfortunately, with football still going strong for another three weeks (hopefully only three unless we make it to the playoffs), retreating isn’t really in the cards right now. Hopefully I can get a day or two to myself if a certain someone keeps good on their word and gets another certain someone on a weekend sometime soon (trying to be nice here). That’ll at least tide me over a little bit. I think.